First of all, don’t panic.
A they/them is just another person who happens to use a different set of pronouns than you might expect.… but otherwise the are like any other neighbor, coworker, or friend you may not have realized you already knew.
Like anyone else, a they/them comes with quirks, favorite snacks, and a preferred caffeine delivery system. Most are friendly, especially when approached with respect and kindness.
They/them pronouns are often used by nonbinary people to reflect an identity that isn’t exclusively male or female.
Nonbinary is a broad term that can encompass many identities — some experience their gender as existing on a continuum between male and female. Others may see themselves as a blend of masculine and feminine. Some people feel like something entirely outside those categories.
In some cases, nonbinary people are also transgender. That means having a gender identity that differs from the sex assigned at birth. For some individuals, it leads to medical transition. For others, the change is social — in name, pronouns, and how they’re seen.
Note: This discussion will focus on nonbinary people who are also transgender.
Pronouns are like names: they’re small words with big meaning. Using the pronoun with which a person identifies says, I respect you as a fellow human being.
If that feels abstract, imagine being called “he” every day if you’re a woman, or “she” if you’re a man. Or persistently being called by the wrong name on purpose. That mismatch isn’t just hurtful — it sends the message that you don’t matter and that you don’t belong.
When we get pronouns right, we’re saying, “You matter enough for me to listen and remember.”
The singular “they” is nothing new. It has been part of the English language for centuries — long before “you” replaced “thou.”
Nonbinary people have existed throughout recorded history and are reflected in many cultures that have gender designations in addition to male and female. However, it was not until fairly recently did the English language have its own vocabulary to describe these individuals.
The words might be new, but they have always been here.
Sex and gender are often lumped together, but they’re not the same: Sex is physical — chromosomes, hormones, anatomy. Gender is social and personal — identity, roles, and how someone moves through the world.
For most people, the two align. However for transgender people, they don’t.